So I’m sitting there in a spicy pickle induced nightmare in the bathroom at work when my phone vibrates. It’s an alarm I set to remind me to buy tickets for the Kevin Smith show at the Sixth & I Historic Synagogue on 4/22. So I’m really in a pickle here… (rim-shot). I have 5 minutes to either finish my business and hope that there are not enough Smith fans in the DC area to sell out the show in 10 minutes or accelerate this mission and get back to my desk.
I’m sure the new Kev would just light up a joint and twitter something irreverent, but I’m talking about the old Kev. The guy that maxed out his credit cards to make a movie about roof hockey and dick jokes. That’s my Edmonton Gretzky, a guy with natural talent who gets things done. So I pinched off that spicy mother and got back to the desk with minutes to spare. Got the tickets and am now writing this post.
Pooping at work, it’s not something that I particularly enjoy, but it’s got to be done.
Here are some of my thoughts.
I think this should be a rule. Don’t comment on another’s stink or sounds while in the bathroom. (you can totally tell all the cube mates when you get back to the desk) IE: “Man! Johnson was really tearing it up in the bathroom” or just a simple “Whooooo man! ” will do. But I do not want to have a conversation with the guy in the next stall.
I always tuck my work ID into my pocket while I’m doing the deed. I’m in there struggling with a bran muffin and a grande coffee I don’t need to be identified by name and face. It’s bad enough that I’m probably the only person in the office that’s wearing jeans and black and white Nike Airs, I don’t need any more identification.
When I’m in there making soft serve ice cream in the first stall, do not pee in the urinal directly next to me when there are 3 other free ones that don’t put us uncomfortably close to each other.
Not a sermon, just a thought.
Before I worked here I was uncomfortable pooping in a public bathroom. I think everybody is a little. You can’t spread out like at home, theres no reading material, and of course theres somebody else about 2 feet away doing the exact same thing.
I was afraid to make any noise. Now I realize that its like prision in there. You have to come in and stake your claim. Make that toilet you’re bitch, or you will become its bitch.
That’s what happened today. Don’t know if it was the JBCs (Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers) from last night, the caramel scone from this morning, or the gyro from lunch but I was back in the bathroom for the 3rd time today. The first two rounds had gone according to plan. So like a heavyweight fighter I swaggered back into the ring for a third time. No audience at first, but then the challenger entered. 8 thought this was going to be easy when I heard the crinkle of paper ass gasket. I let loose a satisfying barrage. Then waited for the challenger.
Then I heard it…
It sounded like he had just dropped a hard sided suitcase filled with bananas and they all spilled out. I heard a finishing grunt and knew I’d been beaten. I sat there until he triumphantly strode out of the stall,washed his hands,and Left. I will tell my children “I have seen the shoes of a legend and they are reasonably priced black leather”
The Daily Download
Men’s bathroom etiquette is something that is very high on my list. We’re all in there to do important work, but I don’t want to be your partner in crime. I spend my time in there playing games on my phone and trying not to breathe through my nose. But today I felt like I was Tom Arnold in Austin Powers. The guy wasn’t even in the stall next to me and I still felt for him… really I felt like he was going to get some on me.
[Austin Powers is drowning a man in the toilet]
Austin Powers: Who does Number Two work for? Who does Number Two work for?
Cowboy: Yeah, that’s it! You show that turd who’s boss.
He shuffled in past my stall, sat down forcefully, unleashed the monster and held on for dear life. That’s pretty much when I decided I’d had enough of the throne room and it was time to leave. While I was getting ready to leave I heard him fart the “Gunfighter Music” from “The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly”. A tumbleweed rolled by the sink as I left our mysterious stranger to duke it out with the beast.
Well not enemy per say, but something I think is unnecessary in most cases. The paper ass-gasket found in public restrooms. I was thinking about it again today and another good point crossed my mind. Our restroom at the office has those automatic flushers that do make things more sanitary. The less I have to touch things in there the better. But here’s the beef.
They go off pretty easily, like when a shadow crosses in front of them. So you’re standing there positioning your ass-gasket just right and you get blasted in the face with a mist of toilet water multiple times before you even sit down. Because as we all know the toilet flush can spread fecal matter all around the room. If this doesn’t seem like a fun time, just sit down and take it like a man.