I went to New Hampshire this weekend for Ben and Bonnie’s wedding. This seems like it’s a long time in the making, maybe because they’ve been dating for forever, engaged for over a year, and I went to the bachelor party in vegas almost two months ago. But I always like going up to New England to visit those guys. This was also the first time that they met Laurel, so it was a very big trip.
We left on Friday from BWI at about 8pm but didn’t get into Manchester until about 1030 due to a storm that had us sitting on the runway for over an hour… or longer than the entire flight. So when we finally do get to Nashua in our rental car it’s already midnight (I think we took the long way). But having been to Vegas with these people, I should have know that we were just getting started. The first few hours are a blur of introductions and re-introductions then the next few hours are a vision of blurs punctuated by the knowledge of a dwindling beer supply. Then the large clear bottles of foreign liquids came out and it was at this point that I should have been looking for a bed. I did have the forethought to hoard some blankets upstairs. I also realized that the state motto shouldn’t be “Live Free or Die” it should be “We sing the Ole’ Ole’ Ole’ song every 15 minutes for no apparent reason” . Laurel got along great with everyone, especially that guy that thought we were from “Icelandia” because we were the only people with blonde hair in the entire house and I’m really tall.
I don’t know how it happened but I heard someone call out “There’s a cab here and we’re going to Denny’s” which sounded like a place I wanted to be at. I remember hearing Laurel say that I should bring her back pancakes (which I did not do). So this cab ride was something out of a twisted movie. The cabbie must have been the brother of someone they went to high school with, that or they know everyone in Nashua. He looked like a cross between Dom Deluise and a 1970’s Lazy Boy. Like the pirates of the Black Pearl, I think he had become part of his taxi. So just when I think that he was the weirdest person I could have seen that night, we actually get to Denny’s. Working the night shift at a pancake house must be the last stop on the train to rock bottom. The waitress who greeted us must have been working there for 15 years, it was like they were having a casting call for “Truck Stop Waitress”. She was finishing up her shift and spent our whole meal telling us what a “Crazy Bitch” our waitress was… and she probably was. We ordered 4 “Extreme” Grand Slams, because that’s what the first person ordered and I don’t think any of us could read at that point. What I do remember from this watress is that she looked a little like Lorri Petty from Tank Girl… and she had “Fuck U 2” tattooed inside her bottom lip. When I picture her I can still hear the New Hampshire accent yelling in the background “She’s a Crazy Bitch!”. What makes this night complete is that at the end of the night when we were going to catch a cab back to Ben’s the “Truck Stop Waitress” offered to give us a ride home. She drove a baby blue 1994 Lincoln Town Car which handled like a whale on drugs. She dropped us off four blocks away from Clark’s house, because we had to wait a few minutes for his girlfriend to leave for work (not sure why, but it seemed reasonable at the time) Probably because as much fun as it is to recap this story now, it might not have been that funny at 8am coming from your drunk boyfriend. So I spent the night splayed out on a leather chair and ottoman with no blanket… at Clark’s house, not at Ben’s where Laurel was.
After we borrowed Clark’s jeep and drove back to Ben’s it was already 1:30 so we had about 5 hours before the wedding. I spent most of this time laying on my back upstairs trying to drink water while singing a spiritual song that I was writing about my night. To the tune of Amy Winehouse’s ‘Rehab’ it went “They tried to make me go to Denny’s, I said No, Yes, Maybe.” Apparently there were more verses, but I really don’t remember.
The rest of the day went as expected, Ben and his 12 groomsmen in their white suits, pink vests and white Nike Air Force Ones. Bonnie looking beautiful in her white dress followed by 12 bridesmaids. There was a drunken speech. Great dancing by middle aged white guys to “Baby Got Back”. And a Margarita fountain.
A good time was had by all.