My insides are coated with thin film of…

I'm going to be sick
stale peanut butter. I had no idea that peabut butter could even go bad. I’d always assumed that it was immortal like twinkies or canned peaches are. Today was the day I was proved wrong, oh so wrong. I decided to have some delicious Eggo waffles this morning, such a bad expierence starts out so innocently. Oh god why… So since I have a irrational fear of spilling sticky things on me and Jessee and I had just been talking about putting peanut butter on pancakes. I decided to put peanut butter on my waffles.
Now I could have chosen the Jif (family sized, Unopened) or the Super G Crunchy (But I think crunchy is more of a dinner peanut butter) but I chose the Skippy. Oh dear lord the Skippy. I should mention that we have had all of these for an amazing amount of time. I have a little expierence in old peanut butter, so first thing I did was stir the oil back together with the PB. This is where I should have stopped. The Horror I tell you
But I didn’t… As I spread it around I noticed that it had a really peanutty smell, like the shell and all? Maybe because I was half asleep I forged onward. About a block away from the house I took the first bite… it tasted a little funny… but maybe that was just a fluke… I thought if I ate it really quickly that I could get through it. OH GOD NO.
So I’m driving down the street with a mouthfull of this oily sludge in my mouth. Gag … Gag… GAAGAGGA must roll down window and drive car… BLEGCKKE AHGHAGHAG. But that’s not where the fun ends.
Remember when Homer coated his mouth with a candle to eat the Guatemalan insanity peppers? Well this was the same thing. My mouth was coated in this stuff, stuff not peanut butter, this was some horrible bastard spawn of stale nuts and oil. I was even forced to lick it off my hands to stop it form getting everyehere. sweet jesus why? So I made my way past the day laborers into the local 7-11 and picked up a large coffee, a breakfast sandwich, and a gatorade.
That cocktail worked for about an hour before the putrid flavor of stale peanuts and ass came back into my mouth. So that’s where I sit now. Everytime I burp I can taste the beast. She’s not going out like no punk bitch.
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to eat PB again…
via Skippy peanut butter

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